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On My Mind More


It's a new month. I haven't written in this space for a while but felt compelled to today. It's June and that's just crazy talk right there.  June has a lot of my mom in it.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of my mom but I have my "months" I like to say, where she's more prominent for me than other months.  June 11th would have been my parents' 41st wedding anniversary, and you know what?  just because she's gone, it doesn't suddenly stop the date they got married.  It doesn't ruin anything.  That will forever be their anniversary and a special day with or without her.  I can't imagine the pain my dad feels each year on that day, I am sure it's not easy at all.  But he can also reflect back on that day and think of the amazing memories they shared together.

  June 11th also marks 16 months since she left us.  It's still so surreal yet very real. I had a very real and vivid dream about my mom last night.  She had bought books for Claire which she sent to us from Amazon, which she'd never do because the next time we would see her, she'd just give it to me- not just books in a plastic bag.  It never had to be a special occasion for my mother to wrap a gift beautifully, or give a fancy gift bag with probably 18 sheets of purple and pink tissue paper inside.  But this dream had the typical Amazon shipped box, but then I saw her and I said to her, " mom, it's been too long since we've seen you."  She looked healthy but that's all I really remember about her appearance.  She then began crying as I was showing her a video of my daughter Claire, walking down the aisle as a flower girl at my best friends wedding which just happened a month ago. It was the exact video that my mother in law took of my daughter walking down.  My mom cried for a minute, looked up at me and said, "can I watch this later.  I can't watch this right now."  

 I'm not really sure what that all meant, dreams are always so strange, but her tone was happy and I know her tears were too.  I'm not a religious person and I'm hardly spiritual, but I like to think whenever I dream about deceased loved ones, that they are trying to reach out to me.  And on a run this morning, a really good 80s song came on that instantly made me think of my mom because I remember being in the car with her when I was little and that song would come on.  I got teary eyed for a minute but felt happy.

 So I'm not sure how June will be for me; maybe a little more emotional, maybe I'll look through old photos again and reminisce.  I can only hope that she's always right by my side because on days I wish I could just meet her for coffee at Starbucks, or just talk, I really need her and hope she's there giving me strength.

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