One: Annoyed and Angry

One: Annoyed and Angry

It was a week after Thanksgiving 2016 and my mother had gone for a yearly follow-up scan for bronchitis, which she contracted the year prior. I know for a fact that she was nervous, but it was only meant to be a follow-up scan to see how her lungs looked. That’s also what I assumed and the same goes for my dad too.  Why do we worry?  We just live our lives and do what we are supposed to do that day.  My mom never missed a medical appointment. I was and still am the same way.  I think by now, I pretty much have every doctor you can think of.  We both were awesome at staying on top of yearly medical visits. I could do without the dentist, but I can suck it up twice a year.

We can do everything right in life and sometimes it just doesn’t give a shit about our plans. My mom had the warmest heart; always wanting to help others and almost always had a smile on her beautiful face. She never smoked and hardly ever drank.  And when she did enjoy a cocktail, it was either Arbor Mist (is that stuff even around still)? or a glass of zinfandel.  I would then proceed to roll my eyes and judge her future cocktail choices.  My mom once told me she tried a cigarette in her late teens and nearly coughed up a lung.  She thought she was going to pass out.  Dramatic? Yes. Are cigarettes disgusting and could possibly make you light headed at the first try?  Yes. It’s safe to say that my mom would never touch a cigarette again.

To reiterate my point, we as humans can only try to give our best each day and live our lives to the fullest.  It’s an understatement to see that my mom was angry and annoyed when all of this began to unfold. And now I see why she assumed the worst when her bronchitis scan showed “cancerous cells” in her pancreases. For now, try to 86 the pancreas from your mind.  I’ll get to that shortly. Mom’s anger turned to complete anxiety when a rude front desk receptionist coldly explained, “You’ll need to speak with oncology.”  At the time, I wish I was more empathetic toward my mom when she had told me that, but no one had any answers just yet or a clear definition of what was going on. I just remember trying to look at the bigger picture and gain some sort of perspective. My mom didn’t think this way and that’s okay. She was always a bit more dramatic, and I don’t mean that negatively.  She’s Italian and a woman.  You do the math. I say this because her reactions were always in the moment.  She gets a routine scan performed; they say she’ll need to speak with oncology because they found cancerous cells on her liver and to have a good day.  Hell, I would need a double martini STAT after that shitty day too.

Understandably so to have those emotions,  but after my mom and dad met with the first oncologist and he misdiagnosed mom with stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer; I think confusion on all parts set in as well.  I remember feeling horrible after my dad text messaged me everything that day because not knowing exactly what it was, I didn’t like to assume the worst.  I like to have my facts first, but that’s just me.  Unfortunately, my mom was completely right about everything. I guess you could say the feeling I experienced a lot from then on was guilt.